Okay Great

Crossroads...

2011-12-03T19:25:00.000-05:00

I am at a crossroads.

I think.

Here I sit, 1 year 3 months and 14 days after I said (out loud), "I can't do this anymore."

Initially it was like 500 pounds were lifted off of me, but now that I know in four days I can officially start to make "it" official, all 500 pounds plus some are back.

There is nothing I can or want to do. Yet, here's the feeling I so hate.

Maybe it's because the happiness I thought I would have or gain or finally get to experience isn't mine. Maybe it's because the one person who was there with me through it all from day one is suddenly a stranger to me. Maybe it's because I still don't have any of the answers. Or maybe it's as simple as I'm alone, like really really alone, and he's not.

He's moved on.

He loves someone else.

He learned something after all and treats her like I always wish he treated me.

I'm okay with that.

August 2002 I met someone who I hated a little too much. But not really.
September 27, 2003 the choice was no longer ours.
October 2003 I heard the three words every girls wants to hear.
November 21, 2003 our life together started.
August 1, 2006 we made the best thing ever.
March 26, 2007 we made it officially official.
August 19, 2010 I gave up.
March 2012 it will be officially over.

Somewhere there's a circle and it's full.

Maybe I'm having these feelings cause it's around the holiday's or maybe it's the lack of sleep I get these days, either way I'm feeling sad these days.

So I did a marathon...

2010-11-13T16:03:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday I thought it'd be a good idea to participate in a measly little race some like to call a marathon. Since I never did a race before I figured I would participate in the biggest in the world. Now 3 years ago I did have a thought process behind applying for said marathon. I knew that it was a lottery process and that NO ONE gets in on their first, second or third time. But their fourth time, just for being so patient, they automatically get in. So in February 2008 I gave NYC Road Runners club my $11 application fee and went on my way. That is until June 2008 when I got my, "Congratulations you've been accepted (out of 100's of 1000's of people) into the NYC Marathon." WTF????!!!!! I canceled that year and went ahead and canceled last year as well, but this year I was doing it.

This is where one would think that I would start training. Obviously that one does not know me. I've got issues. Those close to me know this. See for whatever reason I would rather fail at something knowing I didn't try than fail knowing I did everything in my power to succeed. For instance, say I would have trained and logged 50+ hours a week running through the streets only to not be able to finish 26.2 miles. I would be devastated. Ruined. BUT, say I don't train at all, like seriously, not at all, then if I can't finish it makes sense because I wasn't prepared. See issues. This is also the reason why I don't study for things. ISSUES!!

Fortunately for my ego I finished. I went in knowing that in order to get a medal I needed to finish in 8 hours and 20 minutes. My official time was, 8:04:58. Moral of this story is, if you ever want to do a marathon, you totally can. If I can, I promise you can.

Before the start.

There I am. And yes I'm sobbing. And no it did not take me 9 hours.

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

2010-10-06T21:21:00.000-04:00

When the cone is bigger than you, what more can you ask for?

The annual Olan Mills portrait session.

2010-10-03T17:54:00.004-04:00

So every year I have this uncontrollable urge to get Rhys' picture taken at Olan Mills. I usually do it for Halloween, that way I can totally justify the cheesiness. Last year I flaked at Halloween, so I chose to do it for Christmas. For the 5 of you who read it, you may remember, but for the 5 more of you who may read this now, here it is. Anyways, I always try and pick the most obnoxious photo...to an extent. Below, you will find the four I was deciding between.

Her face is pretty funny, but a column??
Really?
She's a mermaid, not a Greek goddess.

I stared at this one for a long time, but I couldn't get past her having no neck.

This one was ALMOST the winner...
but I think I was looking at how awesome her hair looked...

Here it is, the winner of this year's cheesy photo award!!

Two things:
1. My kid would make an awesome mermaid.
2. No you can't buy this costume anywhere, because this is what happens when I ask my mom to make Rhys a mermaid tail, since I don't know how to sew. Yes she made the entire thing. Yes she's crazy.

There's nothing like going through boxes in the attic to make you feel like a hoarder.

2010-10-01T21:09:00.010-04:00

So I've been going through boxes in my attic with the attempt at purging some of the junk AKA: garbage. Since August 1996, I have moved approximately 20 times. True story. Every summer I would come home from college and start a new plastic container of much needed stuff. You know, notes from Sociology, drunken pictures of people I didn't know, random movie stubs and so on. These plastic containers were housed in my mother's basement. Every year she would give me the same speech,

Mom: I don't know why the hell you're saving all this shit, but don't you dare think I'm keeping it here forever. Just remember, you don't really live here anymore, this is just a place for you to hang your hat.

Me: Yes mother, I know I can't keep my prized possessions at your house forever. I promise I will take all of them when I live somewhere for real.

Mom: You're so goddamn dramatic.

Me: *blank stare*

So when I finally stopped going to college I stood by my promise and took all the containers with me. For the last six years, they've gone through four moves and I'd yet to go through them. Well, about two weeks ago I decided to start the process.

I think I'm a closet hoarder.

I had papers from my senior year of high school. That was 1996. And when I say papers I'm not talking about papers with good grades, I'm talking about class notes. Now these are notes that I didn't understand when I copied them, so why I thought saving them was beneficial, I'll never understand.

Today, I went through two big containers and found some gems. Some of this stuff is from the 3rd grade. I believe if my math is correct that was the 86-87 school year. Naturally, I took some pictures.

First picture is a tape from Kennywood Park, where you could get in a sound booth and sing whatever song you wanted. They then would broadcast it throughout the game area so everyone could hear you. This is from 1991.

Seriously?? Ice, Ice Baby...
And yes, in the background, that is me in an old-time photo from 1996.

Okay so who remembers Pocket Rockers? Oh course I don't have the actual Pocket Rocker, but I did unearth some cassettes. This is the 3rd grade find.

Here we have "Walk Like An Egyptian,"
"Heaven is a Place on Earth" and an unidentified one.

AND the final treasure that I found...

MY OLD GLASSES!!!
I don't know what made me pick them out, but Christ, this is bad.
I also don't know when they are from, cause I don't ever remember being this geeky.

The plus side of today is I did get rid of two bags of garbage. The downside is, I must now go plant a forest to compensate for all the paper I threw out.

Yes this blog still exists and yes I suck at posting things, but since the universe (facebook) is telling me to post here I am.

2010-09-08T15:47:00.003-04:00

Since it's "Wordless Wednesday" I have an excuse to be lazy.

I am, however, taking this advice from the facebook astrologer and posting.
Tomorrow (probably not), I will try and post something with more than 30 words.

My Baby Turned 4 This Past Sunday

2010-08-04T23:01:00.003-04:00

Here she is rocking out at her rollerskating party.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???

My mini me, maybe

2010-07-28T09:30:00.012-04:00

So when a person has a child the very first thing people do, after the appropriate congratulatory response, is stand above them and pick every ounce of them apart, trying to figure out who they look like.

"Oh, she definitely has gramma's nose."

"Well that's my dad's dimple in her chin."

"Who has such long fingers? Not my side."

And so on. I mean seriously, most newborns look like disgruntled old men.

This comparison never ends. For instance, I'm told constantly from people who know my dad that, "I look EXACTLY like him." On the flip side, I'm told constantly from people who know my mom that, "I look EXACTLY like her." Considering that my father is about 98% Italian with about 2% French and my mother is about 98% Irish with about 2% German, how I look EXACTLY like two people who look nothing alike is beyond me. And for the record, I don't even thing I look related to my parents.

Now that I have my own child, I'm, well she, is going through the same thing. My husband and I are both short, but other than that we share no look-a-like qualities. Yet, when she's with me, we look exactly alike and when she's with him they look exactly alike. I never thought she looked like either one of us until my uncle sent me this picture:

This is Rhys, me and my mom. It's almost uncanny how much we look alike.

What's really funny about the above picture is, other than Rhys I don't think my mom and I look like that. You will see below:

Unfortunately this picture is 3 years old, but I will not have a new one taken.

So who do you look like?

Reason 4,723 why I'm terrible at blogging

2010-07-23T11:23:00.004-04:00

Okay so here I am and I so desperately want to write something captivating, funny, witty... just pick a word... but I've got nothing.

I love reading blogs, and keeping mine up... well adding buttons and widgets is about all the keeping up I do.... but I just can't seem to post anything.

Some fun facts:
Fact 1: I am a mommy, but I have no business calling myself a "mommy blogger."
Fact 2: I am on some workout mission, but I certainly have no business calling myself a "fitness blogger."
Fact 3: I love to talk and ALWAYS have something to say, but for whatever reason I can't put the constant stream of chatter in print.

So now what?

So again for the very few of you who do read this, just bear with me. I'm trying to get better at this and maybe one day I will.

*Update: Apparently I can't spell the word blogger or bear. I also don't proofread.

Workout Issues

2010-07-15T10:42:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I made this wonderful "workout" schedule, so I can always know where I *should* be. I know I should walk everyday and I so aspire to be a runner, SO I scheduled that as well. Problem is I hate being outside and that's where I would walk/run. Logically, I know it's a little insane to keep going back and forth to the gym, when I've got perfectly good sidewalks to use right outside my door. And the other issue, I need to do the walking/running before Rhys wakes up. I used to throw her in the stroller and I could be on my way. Now she wants to walk and play and stop and so on. That's extremely counterproductive when I'm trying to keep my heart rate up. Also it's annoying. (yep I said it) And I don't like waking up early.

So here is my schedule (I know it's a good one, so I understand any jealousy):

So in order to hold myself accountable, I put this widget thing on my blog from Daily Mile, that can track your mileage. As you will see it is still empty.

Oh the Joys of Bowling!

2010-07-14T10:38:00.006-04:00

Project Me

2010-07-08T10:29:00.016-04:00

Okay, so when I started nursing school in August 2008 I was the lowest weight I'd been since having my child in August 2006. I worked really hard that summer counting points and logging in lots of hours at the gym. I was *dare I say* content. I was able to fit into all my clothing, I could wear a tank top and shorts, I could even wear a bathing suit, but Of course I wanted to lose 10-15 more pounds. I'm never satisfied.

Also, in August 2008 I started taking Zoloft. My anxiety was through the roof and I was starting to have crazy thoughts (not the killing my child kind, but just absurd).

When school officially started, I gained a few pounds. Nothing I was worried about, but annoying nonetheless. In October I decided to get an IUD. Her all the rave and thought, why not? In November I started teaching spin class 3-4 times a week. By this point, I was up about 10 pounds. VERY ANNOYING! In December, I decided to remove the IUD. I did some more research and found people who had gained 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds from it. At the removal I was up 12 pounds.

March 2009, my cousin died. She was 34. She was an amazing artist and so unbelievably creative. She was one of my best friends growing up. Getting older and moving 600 miles away didn't help us stay close, but we still talked at least once a month, but it wasn't the same. The last time I saw her was in August 2008. She had a slew of physical issues, her lungs not working properly being the main issue. Mentally, she was no joke, but unfortunately her body wasn't having it anymore. After being on a respirator for 6 weeks, she threw the towel in. After her funeral, I *decided* I needed to get my shit together. I joined WW again and was up 25 pounds from my last weigh in in August. Awesome. I lost about 7 pounds over the next 3 weeks, THEN, my gym shut down. No more teaching. SHIT.

May 2009 I started summer school. It was a crazy whirlwind of tests and clinicals and class and just absolute insanity. Somehow from May to August I managed to gain 20 more pounds. If you've lost count, I'm now up 42 pounds from the previous August. *Let me note, that in May I had my thyroid checked and it was normal* * Another note, I joined another gym and was going at least 3 times a week*

So I freaked out a bit and decided that it must be the Zoloft. I did some more crazy research and found more crazy weight gain issues. I, with the help of my midwife, weaned myself off the meds. That was fun. Going from having no feeling for a year to feeling insane is not something I recommend.

The last year has been nothing short of tragic.

In December I *almost* failed out of nursing school by 0.4%, but I used my unofficial lawyer skills (a career I may look into one day) and got myself and 8 others back into the program. I then went into my last and FINAL semester a panic stricken mess. I was convinced the instructors were out to get me. I had crazy anxiety every time I took a test. *I'm feeling the anxiety right now* And I just always felt on edge.

May 2nd, I had my final exam. My final test of my final semester of nursing school. Graduation was May 7th, pinning was May 8th. Everything was paid for, family was coming, phew I finally made it. Errr, wait. I'm sorry, I lied. I needed a 72 on my final. I got a 67. 5 points are the reason I didn't graduate. What makes me feel so much better is that I changed 6 answers from right to wrong. That's an awesome feeling. It was terrible. It still is. I can't really talk about it too much. I also understand that to some people this is nothing tragic. But for me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I go back in January and redo the semester. I WILL graduate May 2011. And that's that.

July 8, today. I now sit here officially 45 pounds heavier than I was in August 2008. I'm done. Not only is this extra weight terribly unhealthy, but it has made me a very hateful person. I'm angry all the time. I snap at the littlest things. I go from pure rage to tears in 1.2 seconds. I feel crazy. So I'm done. Last Friday I tweeted this:

"Operation lose 20 lbs in 5 weeks starts today. Well after I eat a bagel w/ cream chz and a coffee drink from Dunkin Donuts. Gym @ 5:30." Fri Jul 2 11:50:54 2010 via Twitter for iPhone

and I meant it. Not sure I'll lose 20 pounds in 5 weeks, but I'm going to try. My ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds by January 2011. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of living this way.

If you made it to this point, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I know this was very long and all over the place, but, well that's where I am right now.

Not really sure if Juilliard is in her future, but she sure is cute!

2010-06-23T11:34:00.008-04:00

So since no celebrities have put on a concert yet, I guess it's up to us lay people.

2010-06-09T11:48:00.002-04:00

Life After Yes

2010-06-02T20:06:00.003-04:00

Let me start off by saying that I have been reading Aidan's blog, http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/ for about a year. She has been bookmarked from day one and I anticipate her daily blog post's, well not daily, but M-F. I have always enjoyed her posts, but they are only a couple hundred words and the topics differ. I knew she had written a book and no matter what, I was going to read it, but these days it seems that anyone and everyone is a "blogger," so expecting the world from a virgin novelist was not something I anticipated.

Boy was I shocked!

I. LOVE. LIFE. AFTER. YES!!!

I will say it again...

I. LOVE. LIFE. AFTER. YES!!!

You will be captivated from the beginning. You go on such an amazing journey with the main character, Quinn. You feel like you either know or know of each and every character, even the ones who are nameless. And you will find yourself rooting for the characters. You will be taken on an emotional roller coaster, that makes you question things in your own life. And at the end you will be satisfied, but sad it is over.

This is the kind of book that great movies are made from.

And I know it is being pigeon-holed as "chick lit," but don't let that tag fool you. Most "chick lit" books are so unbelievably unrealistic (IE: The Devil Wears Prada, the Shopaholic series, Bridget Jones Diary, etc...), that you can predict what will happen three chapters in and you can in no way relate to any characters. Like I said above, you can relate to the characters and all their situations in one way or another. It almost seems like it could be and auto-biography. Although, if "chick lit" is your thing, I have no doubt in my mind that you will definitely enjoy this book.

I am so happy Aidan quit her job and wrote this book. She is a true writer with an amazing gift. I cannot wait for her second novel!!!

You can buy Aidan's book here.

Maddie

2010-04-07T00:00:00.001-04:00

My confession....

2010-03-18T12:27:00.004-04:00

I suck at this whole blogging thing.

I really, really suck at it.

Here's the thing...

I LOVE the idea of blogging.

I love reading other people's blogs. Ones that make me laugh out loud, like this one, this one and this one (to name a few). Ones that make me cry and smile at the same time. And ones that make me want to be a better person.

I love to hear myself talk, so this shouldn't be a problem, Right?

Wrong!

I've got nothing.

I guess I could talk about my day, but that's no fun.

No you say?

Well for instance, today so far I've printed off three articles on childhood obesity for an evidence based research presentation that I have to give tomorrow in clinicals. I've given my child miralax in hopes that she will poop since she likes to hold it. The same child is now watching The Princess and the Frog for the second time, so I can continue to sit on the computer and ignore her. And I'm gearing up to maybe study for my test on Monday on the hepatic-biliary system.

Now could you imagine if that's all I wrote about.

That has to be some form of blog suicide.

Yes?

So to my three followers, thanks for caring (or feeling bad) enough!

Till the next time I have an itch to write about how much I don't write......

Are you aware?

2010-02-11T18:14:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-10T07:55:00.003-05:00

Old Navy rocks! How badass are these sunglasses. And for $5!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T07:53:00.001-05:00

I mean seriously... can you stand the cuteness??

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-06T20:11:00.006-05:00

This is my favorite picture from Christmas....

My top words of 2009 (according to the genius of twitter)

2010-01-04T10:51:00.005-05:00

words (ordered by most used)

love please people thanks sleep time little wish night tonight help happy feel followers okay read girl watching post yeah follow totally shit seriously child book hate hope baby blog tweet crazy kids super getting days test thank stuff life dear finally favorite sorry hours look awesome pretty stop movie birthday weird home sucks friends morning times person maybe friend makes probably watched sick nice coffee support potty glad week wait hear sweet class trend family following studying picture lost fucking trying steelers funny tired sleeping school excited tomorrow christmas

What's your favorite Christmas song???

2009-12-23T18:01:00.002-05:00

Actually, this is one of my favorite song's ever.

And can we talk about Bono's hair?

It's magical.

How can I torture my child when she gets older???

2009-12-01T17:18:00.003-05:00

Oh, yes, I know.... take them to Olan Mills for holiday pictures. Below each picture you can read, what I'm sure my child was thinking while this was happening to her.

Seriously, you want me to put my hands on my hips then put my feet where?

Oh Sweet Jesus, you scared me!

What's in there??

My mom really wanted to pick this one, but the asshole
photographer made it look like I have a snowball bra!

My hair looks funky in this one... and well so do I.

I can't help laughing at how stupid this is!

I know I'm cute, but again funky hair. Dammit!

This was in the running, but my mom couldn't
get over my left eye looking a little gimpish.

Sheet of wallets.... SCORE!

Listen bitch, "I am smiling!"

And the winner is........ Thanks mom for picking the most idiotic picture!

Ahhhh Thanksgiving....

2009-11-25T09:47:00.010-05:00

So here's the deal with me and Thanksgiving... I'm not a fan!

Not really sure where this stemmed from, but I've never liked it. It probably has a lot, if not everything, to do with the fact that I don't eat turkey. Yeah, that's definitely it!

But, here's my other theory... 20 years ago at the ripe old age of 11, I got my first period on Thanksgiving. Let's talk about how fun that was... umm, 6th grader, 11 years old and I was wearing white (apparently I was unaware of the Labor Day laws regarding white). I told NO ONE! I was mortified. I knew what it was and what it meant. I couldn't believe that I could physically get pregnant, yet I hadn't even "French Kissed" a boy yet. **On a side note - Do we still teach our kids the term "French Kissed"?** How, at 11, I knew the logistics of what getting a period meant, is beyond me. What I do know is that I had just eaten a ton of turkey, mashed potatoes and cream corn (God, I love that stuff) and I was feeling really sick to my stomach, (which I now know were cramps in my uterus), so I automatically associated stomach pains, AKA uterus cramps, with Thanksgiving dinner.

Also, at this wise age of 11, I decided to give up eating all "cute" animals. In my mind, that meant cows and pigs. So the following Thanksgiving, when asked why I wasn't eating any turkey I decided to throw turkey's into the mix of "cute" animals.

I mean who wouldn't love this face?

So here we are 20 years later and I still don't eat turkey. I'm actually a vegetarian now, well actually a pescatarian, but that's big word and it confuses people, so I stick with vegetarian.

I did have a brief stint about 5 years ago at being a meat eater, but that lasted only about a year. I did revisit eating turkey as well, but it kinda freaked me out. Although, it was fried and, if I must say, it really is the way to go when making a turkey.

So this year like the past 10 years (minus the meat eating year) I will prepare my tofurkey dinner. I know many of you shudder at the thought of this, but it really is good eatin! But, I also will be preparing two, yes TWO, actual turkeys as well. Which reminds me, I need to go and buy those suckers.....

So for now I'll leave you with this:

Dear Steelers...

2009-11-22T22:06:00.002-05:00

YOU SUCK!!!!

***Keep in mind I normally love you to pieces and I'm typically you're biggest fan, but I can't remember the last time I was this embarrassed to admit it.***

The Perfect Human Form

2009-11-20T22:21:00.005-05:00

Okay, so we all know who this is, right? If not, I'm not really sure that I can even deal with you right now. Anyways, even with his flushed cheeks, slumped walk and (hearsay) poor hygiene he is, in my opinion (for whatever that is worth) what a perfect human being should look like.

What is driving me crazy is how and, more importantly, WHEN did this happen???

Do we remember when he looked like this??

Poor guy was just the sidekick to Daniel Radcliffe's Harry Potter.

So said sidekick disappears for awhile then emerges as EDWARD! And now he looks like this:

I just don't get it, but quite frankly don't care how it happened. I want to thank whatever part of the universe that was responsible for this. My eyeballs are forever grateful!

BTW - My reason for this obnoxious, school-girl-crush post is to get me even more excited than I already am to go see NEW MOON tomorrow.

New to this world

2009-11-19T19:19:00.004-05:00

So as you can see from my very first post (two years ago), I'm not very good at keeping up with this kind of stuff. I feel like I have so much to say, until I have to actually say it. I would love for "you" to love what I write, visit every day and tell all your friends about me.

With that said I feel I must disclose these things:

1. I am judgemental (I mean no harm)
2. I am sarcastic most of the time (Okay about 95% of the time)
3. I am stubborn (My way or the highway kind of girl)
4. I am NEVER EVER wrong (See above)
5. I am very politically incorrect (I still say midget)
6. I am super liberal (Yes I LOVE Obama)
7. I am not religious (Never will be, so don't even go there with me)
8. I am reincarnated from a truck driver (The things that come out of my mouth)
9. I am the biggest procrastinator ever (I should be doing paperwork right now)

Phew! Okay, so I felt I just needed to put that out there.

Now, keep in mind I'm currently in nursing school, or fucking hell (whichever you prefer), so I will spend a good amount of time bitching about that. If all goes as planned, and my ass doesn't fail out, I will be done May 7, 2010. Which at that point I'm sure I'll start bitching about work.

So that's all I'm going to leave you with for tonight.

For all of you who are going to see New Moon at midnight, I HATE YOU! I will be attempting to sleep, so I can wake up at 5:30AM to hang out at the hospital all day.

xo

Anissa Mayhew

2009-11-18T16:20:00.003-05:00

Dear Anissa,

I don't know you.

I know you are loved by many.

I know that you had a stroke yesterday.

I know you are WAY to young to have a stroke.

I know you have three young children who need their mom.

I know that without you many will be devastated.

I know that you need to pull through.

I know that I normally don't pray.

I know that starting today won't hurt.

I know that I can't wait to say I know you.

Can't believe I'm doing this!

2007-10-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

hey everyone!! so i've always heard that journaling, blogging or whatever you may call it is a very therapeutic way of relaxing, so here i am. by the way, i'm very against capitalizing words so i apologize now to those this may annoy. well this is it for tonight since i am dead tired and rhys has been sleeping since 9:30. goodnight for now!